It is with heavy heart that I bring to a close the vague synopses of the first three, well, second three, well, six, seven and eight, whatever, Star Wars films. Today it is the turn of Return of the Jedi. As usual, if you haven’t already seen this film please be aware that what follows will include spoilers for this science fiction classic. I strongly recommend that you see this film (in its best format, VHS video cassette) before you embark on reading this synopsis.
As yet, I am still awaiting a phone call from Lucasfilm inviting me to provide commentary for the other films in this franchise for which I am, frankly, quite surprised. I find it hard to believe that these synopses have not found their way to the home of Mr George Lucas and when he reads them, he would surely be on the phone to me. I imagine he will probably say something like “Steve, I read your synopsis of A New Hope and also your synopsis of Empire and honestly I have to say to you that I had no idea these films were as good as they were. The way you put the suspense into your detailed description had me on the edge of my seat! It made me run out to my local VHS store and purchase – that’s right, purchase, not rent – a copy of each of those films. However, on watching them, they did not do justice to your synopses.”
All I can assume, is that one of Mr Lucas’s lackeys has not shown him these synopses yet. That is the only possible reason that he has not yet contacted me. That’s okay, as I am sure he is a very busy man and will get round to it in time.
Well, whilst I await said phone call, I will push on with this final synopsis of this series, so without further ado please let me present you with my synopsis for Return of the Jedi:
C3 PO and R2-D2 present themselves to Jabba The Hutt (a giant slug creature) as gifts from Luke Skywalker.
Princess Leia is disguised with a robotic voice and rescues Han who falls on the floor and shivers.
Leia kisses him but she is forced to wear a metal bikini.
Luke turns up and falls into a hole with a big monster that wants to eat him.
Luke throws a skull and traps the monsters head in a big gate so it can’t eat him.
Luke, Han and Chewbacca are flown into the desert to be dropped into another hole, but this one has teeth.
Luke does some ninja warrior type stuff and Boba Fet flies into a wall.
They all meet up with the Rebel Alliance but Luke flies off to visit Yoda.
Yoda tells him that Leia is his sister and Luke throws up in his mouth. He also finds out that Darth Vader is, in fact, his dad.
Yoda has done so much talking that he dies and Luke flies away again.
The rebels discover another Death Star (still not a star) is being built that will need destroying but it’s protected by a shield (obviously).
The shield generator is on a world that is home to teddy bears and the rebels all have exciting adventures there.
Meanwhile, Luke meets the Emperor who tells him that the Death Star is working and he blows up a ship to prove it.
Luke gets angry and fights with his dad but the Emperor cackles and shoots him with lightning before Darth Vader throws the Emperor into yet another hole.
Vader dies but we see his face, which is sad. His death, not his face.
Back on the teddy bear’s planet, the rebels destroy the shield reactor and Lando flies inside the Death Star and blows that up (again). Lando’s co-pilot is a geezer with a strange face.
Everyone dances with the teddy bears and then the movie ends.
That’s it for the Star Wars franchise, except for the next three films, although I’m afraid that if you want a synopsis for each of those you will need to go to Wikipedia. Please temper your expectations of that description, as it is unlikely to rise to a level that you have been accustomed to here over the last three weeks, but I’m sure they tried their hardest.
I am sure that you will want to run out and pick up a copy of each of these films on VHS as soon as you can, but try to make it soon as they are very popular and there is a risk of a shortage in supply. Although after having said that, you probably won’t need to watch them now as I have described almost word for word everything that happens. Sorry.
My question to you:
Are you a fan of the Star Wars franchise? Have any of these synopses giving you a clearer idea of which one is the best in the franchise?