Vague Synopsis – Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Master Yoda

As promised last week, please find below the synopsis for the second movie in the Star Wars franchise, the Empire Strikes Back.

Well actually, I say second but that should of course read fifth. No, wait. Seventh. Yes at the moment it’s the seventh movie in the franchise, however, that could change at any point in the future, but for me it will always be the second instalment, and greatest of all of them. Now that may sound like a subjective opinion but it isn’t. This has been proved by science nerds in the laboratory using microscopes and Bunsen burners and everything, so I feel happy to make that statement.

Being as this is my all-time favourite movie franchise and the Empire Strikes Back is my all-time favourite of my all-time favourite, I will be putting a lot more detail into this synopsis so be warned there will be heavy SPOILERS coming up. If you’ve read any of the previous synopses, you will already know the level of detail goes into these and you may be worried that if you read this synopsis there will be very little pointing you watching the actual movie. I have to tell you that you are right to be concerned and that should you want to see this movie, I would recommend watching it before you read any further.

So without any further ado, allow me to present to you the definitive synopsis for the Empire Strikes Back:

The movie begins on the ice planet, Hoth, which is basically a planet made of ice.
Luke falls off his snow horse and gets attacked by Sasquatch.
Han finds him and puts him inside a horse that smells bad.
He takes him back to base and Princess Leia kisses him which is weird, because she’s his sister (although he doesn’t know that yet and neither do we, so actually forget you read that last sentence).
The baddies have found them and drop giant horse robots on the surface.
Han says “I’ll get her out on the Falcon,” and they fly away on the Falcon which is a spaceship, not a bird.
They escape the baddies by flying into a space slug and floating away with the rest of the trash.
Han takes them to a flying city that is run by Lando (another smuggler), and C3PO gets shot by some hidden Storm Troopers.
Chewbacca (a really tall dude with lots of hair) fixes him up just in time for Darth Vader (COPD man) to make Han’s gun fly away.
Han says “they didn’t even ask me any questions.”
Lando has a change of heart and speaks to a man with a bald head.
Meanwhile, Luke has met up with Yoda (a small green guy that talks in backwards sentences) and he learns how to stack rocks.
Yoda is bugging him, so Luke flies away to save his friends.
Luke finally joins the others on the floating city but Darth Vader says “Luke I am your father,” and chops his hand off, making him fall out the bottom of the planet.
Princess Leia uses space magic to talk to Luke so they find him and he falls into the Falcon.
Han is turned into a living statue and he is taken away by Boba Fet, who will go on to get his own TV series.
Back at base, Luke puts his arm around Leia (still a little bit weird) and C3 PO touches R2-D2 (which isn’t weird).
Lando and Chewbacca fly off to find Han. And then the movie ends.

Well there you have it. I hope you can see by reading those few lines of synopsis for Empire that it is, in fact, the greatest of all the Star Wars franchise movies. I hope I have done enough to make you want to run out to Blockbuster video rental and grab yourself a VHS copy of this movie, although now I read it through myself, there seems very little point, as I have highlighted so many of the key features that you can probably already see exactly what’s happening in the movie theatre that is your mind’s eye. Sorry about that.

Next week, I will be wrapping up the vague synopses for these three Star Wars movies, with an equally detailed version of Chapter six, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. I hope I’ve done enough to whet your appetite and I will see you next week.

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