I hope the last few vague synopses that you have read here have encouraged you to watch some excellent films. I think my descriptive powers have grown exponentially over the last few weeks of sharing these with you.
I have to warn you that these posts will contain spoilers so if you haven’t watched the film already, I suggest you do that first. If you are still undecided as to whether it’s the right thing for you to spend your time on, read through the synopsis with one eye closed, that way you will get a good idea of what the film is all about, without finding out exactly what happens.
The film I have for you today is one of the biggest movie franchises that we have ever seen: Star Wars.
George Lucas created a masterpiece back in 1977 and the juggernaut he created has only continued to gain momentum, with spin-off films, new TV series, cute plush toys, and plastic lunchboxes, all the things that make a film great.
Full disclosure, Star Wars is my favourite franchise of all time and has been since I was a boy. I remember seeing it six times back in 1977 and I have loved it ever since (except Phantom Menace). I feel that this synopsis will be probably the finest I have presented you to date, so without any further ado, let me present to you my synopsis for Star Wars: A New Hope:
A big spaceship captures a smaller spaceship, both of them in space.
A princess on the smaller spaceship gives a message to R2-D2 (a dustbin – like robot that beeps).
Darth Vader (a man with a breathing problem) tells the Princess he doesn’t believe her and the storm troopers take her away.
On the planet below (very sandy) Luke Skywalker finds the robot and the message.
Luke finds an old man who is very weird and they have to find a pilot.
They find Han Solo who flies a very cool looking spaceship that can do the Kessel run like really quickly.
The baddies shoot at them but they all fly away.
Obi Wan (the weird old guy) teaches Luke about the Force which is like space magic.
They all fly to the death Star, which is not really a star but it does cause a lot of death.
They break into the prison bit and rescue the Princess, before they all fall into a big pile of rubbish which I think is made up of the leftovers from the death star canteen and the toilet blocks.
They run around a lot and shoot their laser pistols but the old guy gets hacked down by the guy with COPD.
They all escape together (well except for the dead guy) and fly away.
This Princess is friends with a bunch of rebels and she tells everybody that this death star which is not a star is about to cause some death so they will need to destroy it before it destroys them.
Luke Skywalker (formerly a farmer) is suddenly an expert fighter pilot and they allow him to fly in a top of the range spaceship to destroy the baddies.
Han Solo (an actual pilot) says “I’m not in it for your rebellion,” which isn’t very nice.
Luke (the farmer) becomes the leader of the squadron of deadly spaceships and says “R2, hang on back there.”
They use a lot of dialogue directly pilfered from The Dambusters and Luke has to fly into ditch.
The weird old man speaks to him in his head and says “use the force Luke.”
Luke uses the force and shoots a thing into a hole and the thing that’s not a star blows up.
Everyone is happy and then the movie ends.
I know right? Super exciting, isn’t it? I didn’t even mention the bit where Han Solo says “yeah, I bet you do,” or the even more gooder bit where the old guy says “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for,” when in fact they were the droids they were looking for.
But I won’t go into any more detail than I already have. I hope I’ve said enough to whet your appetite. Star Wars is available in all good video rental stores as a VHS video cassette, although now I’ve almost told you the whole plot, there doesn’t really seem any point in you renting this out now. Sorry.
Next time I shall do probably the greatest film ever made in the history of films: Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.