Spennyriver Dispatch – Further Local Authority Cuts Affect Provision

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Spennyriver is a small town deep in the heart of the Midlands, UK. The Spennyriver Dispatch is the local paper bringing you all the local news, keeping you up to date with all the happenings in this strange town.

It’s like a regular town with regular people. Just weirder.

Further local authority cuts affect provision

Today, the Spennyriver district council announced details of the latest round of cuts to funding.  Councillor Hinton spoke to the waiting media outside the temporary Town Hall, explaining the decisions:

“As a majority Labour council, we have been hit hard by the recent Conservative – led central government on-going austerity measures.  Our position is to make life difficult for people here, in the hopes that people will see sense at the next general election and vote for the **right party next time.”

With the only library already closed, soon to be followed by the town’s leisure centre, we asked Councillor Hinton what other measures were left to take.

“We have carried out extensive consultation with local people over the last two days, and have come to the conclusion that the easiest targets for potential closures are services to children, older people and disabled people.”

When asked how that conclusion had been drawn, Councillor Hinton resonded:

“Well, we figure that children are too small to put up much resistance, and older people and disabled people will be too busy watching daytime television to notice.  Our intention is to combine 3 of the primary schools into one ‘super school, with sixty children in each class.  Initially, this may cause some difficulties, but just think how much money we’ll save on teacher’s salaries.”

And what of older or disabled people?

“We are currently consulting on levying a new tax on mobility equipment.  Our intention is to charge a fee for every crutch, wheelchair or mobility scooter that is used, and anyone that has a Motability car would be asked to do their share of driving for social services, cutting down our transport budget.”

We understand that protest marches are planned to speak out against these decisions, although we fully expect most of them to struggle with the marching part.”

**The views expressed here are not necessarily the views of The Dispatch, or anyone.

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