Spennyriver Dispatch – Body of Missing Woman Discovered

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Spennyriver is a small town deep in the heart of the Midlands, UK. The Spennyriver Dispatch is the local paper bringing you all the local news, keeping you up to date with all the happenings in this strange town.

It’s like a regular town with regular people. Just weirder.

Body of missing woman discovered

Ilene Privett, missing for over a month, has been found in a rest stop café on the A52.  When her daughter, Julie, was informed, the police neglected to tell her that Ilene’s body had been found safe and well in the café, leading to several minutes of anguish before they delivered the good news.  The staff on duty had called the crime-stoppers hotline (111-NICK-EM) when they recognised Ilene from pictures on the TV.  We spoke to owner, Dan Carpet, who gave us the story:

“Well, I were just avin’ a look at how much tea we had left, when in walks this woman.  She looked a bit confused, but sat down and asked for a cuppa tea, which I fetched for her.  It weren’t until she tried to pay me wi’ a KFC voucher that I recognised her as that woman on TV what everyone’s bin lookin’ for.”

Upon recognising Mrs Privett, Dan called the police and waited with Mrs Privett until they arrived.

“She were just muttering ‘It’s a chicken shop’, over and over as she supped her tea.  She pushed the voucher back at me and said ‘they told me they had no chicken’, which is a bit mad, right?  I mean what KFC don’t have chicken?  Exactly.”

When the police arrived later that evening, Mrs Privett was examined and questioned.  Chief Superintendent Miles Farnsworth gave a short statement to the waiting media:

“Mrs Privett has been recovered safe and well.  It appears that following a biscuit-related disagreement at the knitting club, Mrs Privett decided that the best thing to do would be to get away before she did something she regretted.  Over the last few weeks, Mrs Privett has been subjected to all manner of horrors, culminating in the ‘no chicken’ incident at KFC, which, to be fair, would push anyone over the edge.”

Ilene has been reunited with her family, who are working to support her rehabilitation into the knitting circle.  Small steps, though.

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