Spennyriver Dispatch – Election Results Are In And Arguing Commences

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Spennyriver is a small town deep in the heart of the Midlands, UK. The Spennyriver Dispatch is the local paper bringing you all the local news, keeping you up to date with all the happenings in this strange town.

It’s like a regular town with regular people. Just weirder.

Hopefully you voted in the recent Spennyriver elections for head of the local council. if not, you may have struggled under some of the restrictions put in place by incumbent, Cllr Chappers.

Well the results have finally been tallied and in a shock upset, incumbent head of the council, Cllr Chappers, has been unseated by challenger, Regional Hinton, with a final margin of victory of 52% to 48%.

You will also be aware that the results have taken a long time to be confirmed – weeks in fact. This has been down to the sheer volume of you that turned out to vote, with voter turnout up by 50% on what has been seen in recent elections, meaning that a total of 150 people voted in this election, the greatest number by far in recent history.

Read on for more election coverage…

This has meant that vote-counter, Gill Mainbridge, was forced to work around the clock for one whole week to count the mountain of ballots that were entered all those weeks ago. When asked about the delay, Gill had this to say:

“Well I coulda dun it a bit quicker if I’d remembered to bring me eye glasses. Some of the ballots had such terrible writing it were ‘ard to make out what they was sayin’.”

When questioned what people were writing when all that was required was a tick in a box, Gill responded with:

“Some people did that, sure. But not everyone. I think some people just din’t know what a tick was. I reckon that comes from poor schoolin’. If you never get no ticks against your work, how you supposed to know what one looks like? If we’d asked people to put a cross in a box, p’raps that would have got a better result.

Some people tried writin’ the candidates name in a box that were one centimetre square, *mekkin it difficult to read. Some people I just don’t think could read.”

A strong campaign of mistruths and fear-mongering from incumbent Cllr Chappers appears to have energised his own supporters into coming out on polling day, with many of them turning up to the various polling stations, some of them armed with water pistols and often accompanied by trains of cars sporting ‘Chappers for president’ flags, unusual because Cllr Chappers wasn’t running for president of anything. We sent our reporter, Mollie McMasters, to one of these mass gatherings to find out what these supporters were saying, and Mollie sent this report:

I’m standing outside Greggs the Bakers, site of one of the many polling stations situated in prominent businesses across Spennyriver. There are literally eight people here, all sporting ‘SOB’ (Spennyriver Or Bust) caps and waving flags of various kinds – I can see a Great Britain flag, an EU flag and several flags representing various pop stars that may have toured nearby over the last ten years. We have just had three cars drive past, horns blaring, occupants hanging out of the windows, brandishing their water pistols, and in one case, a Nerf gun. If their intention had been to intimidate potential voters for challenger Hinton, it does not appear to be successful, as we have seen a steady trickle of people all day, although how many of those were voters and how many wanted a sausage roll is not clear.

I got to speak to a Chappers’ supporter and asked her why she felt he deserved another term in office. Alice Dingle said this, after we promised her anonymity

“He dun great by me. Me wages at Vera’s Fish And Chips have have risen by almost 12p over the last 4 years. Can Hinton do that?”

Other comments, again under the promise of anonimity:

Big Jim: “He meks nice hats. I’ve not seen any merch from their side.”
Doris Oldee: “He does what he sez^. Except when he’s lying, but that dun mek no never mind wi’ me **.

That report was from several weeks ago, and we now know that Chappers was unsuccessful in his bid, but that hasn’t stopped him and his supporters from crying foul. As soon as the results were announced, Cllr Chappers made this unsupported claim:

“I think you’ll find that we won quite easily. There has been a significant amount of fraud and electoral impropriety with this election. We have sworn statements from three residents who swear that they saw bus loads of people being shipped in from Derby to cast votes, and the vote counting was done incorrectly, using sub-standard equipment”

We at the Dispatch can neither confirm nor deny the rumours of votes being cast by Derby residents, but if true, this would represent a heinous crime indeed. As for the sub-standard vote counting equipment, Ms Mainbridge was without her spectacles, so that argument could hold water.

At this point, Hinton is the winner, but until Chappers can admit defeat, this discussion will run for the next few weeks.

*Making
^Says
**I don’t care

5 thoughts on “Spennyriver Dispatch – Election Results Are In And Arguing Commences

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