Spennyriver Dispatch – On The Campaign Trail

Spennyriver is a small town deep in the heart of the Midlands, UK. The Spennyriver Dispatch is the local paper bringing you all the local news, keeping you up to date with all the happenings in this strange town.

It’s like a regular town with regular people. Just weirder.

On The Campaign Trail

Today, we saw leadership candidate Reginald Hinton, holding his first campaign rally. We were lucky enough to be allowed into the Spennyriver Miner’s Welfare to witness first hand the first official appearance of Mr Hinton. We squeezed into the main hall, along with literally fifteen other people, all eager to hear what was going to be said about moving this small town forward.

I’ll let Mr Hinton lay out his campaign pledge for you:

“Ay up mi ducks.* If you think I’m in this for the fame, you’d only be partially right. Of course I want fame. Who dunt, right? But I’m also here to make sure Spennyriver can be the focus of the Midlands for the next few years.

“I would like to open wi’ mi promises to you, the people of Spennyriver.

“I’ll get control of our spending quite quickly, quite quickly.

“I’ll get rid of the law set down by Cllr Chappers, which allows people from Derby to live and work in Spennyriver. Derby? Really?

“I’ll make sure we put an additional fifty quid into building better schools. I’ll get this money by taxing poor people an additional 40p on every out of work payment they receive.

“I will build an impenetrable road block on the A52, and the Residents of Derby will pay for it.

“I will place limits on how many people come to Spennyriver from Leicester, Derby and Nottingham.

“I’ll be bringing jobs to Spennyriver. Never again will you be found wanting for a Greggs sandwich shop, a Morrison’s supermarket or a chip shop.”

Those statements had the crowd on their feet. The rally was so popular, that all the Bourbon Biscuits were sold during the interval. On the way out, I was able to talk to Dave Sugar, a local man and vocal supporter of Hinton. He had this to say:

“All we’ve done under Chappers, is g’ bakkuds.^ We need someone like Hinton to move this town on. If Chappers is tab ‘angin’**, yul kummof wost^^, trust mi.”

Tough words from Hinton’s supporters. Due to overwhelming popularity, the upcoming leadership debate has been arranged for the carpark of the Horse and Rat pub next week. We’ll be there, we hope you will too.


^Go backwards


^^I fear you will not be able to win

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