Spennyriver Dispatch – Spennyriver-by-the-Sea Returns

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Spennyriver is a small town deep in the heart of the Midlands, UK. The Spennyriver Dispatch is the local paper bringing you all the local news, keeping you up to date with all the happenings in this strange town.

It’s like a regular town with regular people. Just weirder.

Spennyriver By-the-Sea returns

The recent hot weather has seen the return of ‘The Beach’ to Spennyriver town centre.  

A firm favourite with locals, many tonnes of sand have transformed the town centre into Spennyriver By-the-Sea.  Each year the local authority have endeavoured to make this experience more ‘realistic’, with the addition of candyfloss stalls, sticks of rock and bingo making it feel more like spending a day at the seaside.  This year, Spennyriver Town Council has upped the realism stakes by adding several new features:

  • Hundreds of used cigarette stubs have been mixed in with the sand, adding another layer of realism.
  • Dozens of empty cans of soft drinks scattered liberally across the sand, some with sharp edges designed to give children a variety of cuts and scrapes when they are digging in the sand.
  • High charges have been put in place to use the public toilets.

“Once again, we have delivered an amazing attraction which is bringing in people from all over the country.  Only yesterday, for example, I spoke with a family that had travelled over 10 miles to sample what we have to offer.”

Councillor Chappers also paid tribute to the many volunteers who had made all of this possible:

“I would like to thank all of those that have helped to make this the most realistic beach setting of any town that is not anywhere near the sea.  I would especially like to mention Frank and Mabel Snackpot who chain-smoked their way through over 600 cigarettes in the last week, providing us with the cigarette stubs that give our beach the authentic ‘seaside’ feel.  We have, of course, offered to pay their rent for a week, as a gesture of good-faith, in recognition of the fact that they have significantly increased their chances of becoming very ill.

Local mum, Tracey Stapleton, had this to say about the ’The Beach’:

“My kids love it.  We spent the whole day yesterday on the sand.  The kids came home with several lacerations on their fingers from the cans that are buried around the place.  It made me well up with pride.  It gives them an idea of what it can be like at the seaside.  For me, I brought an ice-cream for a massively inflated price.  Takes me right back to my childhood.”

8-year-old Samantha gave us her opinion of Spennyriver By-the-Sea:

“I’ve only ever seen pictures of beaches on the telly.  My mum has told me stories of when she used to go to the seaside as a girl, but I didn’t believe her.  This is my first time, and I like the way that when you are digging in the sand, you never know if you are going to find a shell, some seaweed, a cigarette stub or a can of cola.  Really exciting!”

This looks like being another successful year for Spennyriver By-the-Sea.

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