Brexit Shenanigans

“Hello?” She picked up the phone and held it to her face.

“Theresa?” said the voice at the end of the line.

“Yes. Is that Donald?” Theresa May turned to the room and covered the mouthpiece. She pointed it the phone and gave the others in the room a ‘thumbs up’ gesture.

“Yes it is. I’m glad I caught you before you did anything stupid. It’s good that you took my call.”

“Yes, we’re very lucky you called when you did.” Once more May turned back to the watching people in the room. Jeremy Corbyn returned her ‘thumbs up’ gesture.

“Yes, well I’m probably the best person you could talk to about this. I’m the greatest negotiator the world has ever known. People don’t understand how amazing I am at this. I was making deals since you were, well, since before you were. When I was just four years old, I brokered a deal with the people on my street to give my family all their rations after the war. They loved it.”

“What can we do for you, Donald?” May was now getting the finger twirling gesture from Corbyn. “I’ve got a few people here. We’re ready to take the next step in the Brexit debate.”

“Well there’s your first Mistake,” said Trump. “Don’t debate. Tell people what you’re going to do, then make them catch up to you.”

“Well, democracy, and all that,” said May, shaking her head. She didn’t really believe it, but it was the thing to say.

“Democracy. Where has that got you. Into a mess, that’s where. What you need is a wall. Tell the people that you’re going to build a wall and make France pay for it. Tell the EU you don’t need them. Make the wall see-through and paint it a nice colour.”

“France won’t like that.”

“That sounds like a France problem. A wall will stop trucks driving across your southern border.”

“We’re an island, Donald.”

“I know that. But Europeans drive sea-faring trucks, don’t they?”

“Look Donald, we appreciate your time in sharing your wisdom.” It was quite a coup, getting advice from the president. If the advice was helpful, she may have used it. As it was, it wasn’t. The British Parliament would stick with their own plan. “I’m going to get back to the negotiations. Bye.” She dropped the phone before Trump had a chance to protest.

“Anything helpful?” Corbyn asked.

“The wall idea again.”

“Hmmm,” Corbyn mused. “Shall we resume?”

“Of course,”said May, sitting at the head of the table. “Where were we?”

“You were were telling us where you were going for your holidays.”

“That’s right,” Said May, “I’m going on a whistle-stop tour of all the major European cities. I’m going to tell the press that I’m visiting European leaders to negotiate a Brexit extension.”

“Right,” said Corbyn. “We’ll make things as awkward as possible in Parliament, so that it seems your trip is necessary.”

“Thanks,” said May. “You won’t regret this. When I’ve done my travelling, I’ll stand down, then you can become Prime Minister, then, the world is your oyster. Well, the UK is, anyway.”

“Smashing.” Corbyn stood and faced the people in the room. “Right, you people are key in this process. No one wants this Brexit, right?” There were murmurs of assent throughout the room. “Exactly. So we’ve got to play this right. If we drag out the process long enough, Theresa will be able to cancel Article 50.”

“You mean get us another referendum?” A man at the back of the room spoke up.

“No, I mean cancel it outright. Stay in the EU. Asking the public was our first mistake. We don’t want to make that mistake again. Right?” Corbyn turned to May, who nodded and stood up.

“Right. We need to take it out of the public’s hands. If we make a show of trying to reach a deal, then fail, the public will think ‘at least they did their best,” said May.

“Correct,” said Corbyn. “Now let’s get organised for tonight’s vote. The first proposal needs to be voted down. I need everyone with a surname beginning A-M to stand over there.” He pointed to the right hand side of the room. “And the rest of you, I need to stand over there.” This time he indicated the left. “Count how many of you there are.” There was muttering and shuffling of feet as the groups counted their numbers. When everyone quietened down, Corbyn spoke again. “How many here?” He pointed to the right.

“287,” said a woman.

“And how many here?” Corbyn pointed to the left.

“413,” said a man.

“Excellent. You’ll be the noes,” He pointed to the left, “and you’ll be the ayes.” He pointed to the right. “When Bercow calls for the vote tonight, make sure you remember which side you’ll be voting on.”

May pointed a finger across the upturned faces in the room. “Your country needs you.”

I’m starting to see Brexit in my sleep. I’ve been following the American political system since Trump took over, because, well, it’s entertaining. The British political system is just as inept it seems. Just more boring.

My question to you: Is this scenario as far fetched as I wrote it?

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