Spennyriver Dispatch – September 2018 – Man Arrested in Nightclub Brawl

spennyriver signpost2Spennyriver is a small town deep in the heart of the Midlands, UK. The Spennyriver Dispatch is the local paper bringing you all the local news, keeping you up to date with all the happenings in this strange town.

It’s like a regular town with regular people. Just weirder.

Man arrested at Nightclub

A man was arrested last night following an incident at the controversial Mint Julep Hippo nightclub.

The strip club was opened only last month and has since faced almost constant protests from outraged local people.  We spoke with Doris Prude (48), who lives across the road from the club.  We asked her what the protests were all about.

“Well, fer a start, there’s blokes comin’ and goin’ at all times of day and night.  It’s gerrin’ difficult to watch any TV; I have to be up and down all day, keepin’ track of everyone what comes in.”

Doris showed us her notebook, and it was indeed full of names and descriptions of the men that she had seen coming and going from the club.  Some of the men had marks out of ten beside their names and in the margins, Doris had doodled pictures of an explicit nature.  We asked Doris about these ‘marks’ and the explicit doodles.  She had this to say:

“Well, the marks are just something I did.  They don’t really mean anything.”

When pressed on the matter, she said “Not here love, my fella’s in the livin’ room.”  And what about the drawings?  “They’re just things that were in my mind at the time.  They don’t mean *ote.”

So what was behind the protests?  “Them women in there are ^mekkin’ us look bad, ain’t they?”  We asked why the group of mostly women had felt the need to show their disapproval by parading naked in front of the club.  “Well, I suppose if one of them men comin’ out is all excited like…well you might as well make the most of the opportunity.”

A man of 35, who we cannot name as the case is on-going, was arrested following a disagreement in the club in the early hours of the morning.  When arrested, he said “I thought these women liked money slipped inside their G-strings, like.  Is that such a bad thing?”

On further investigation, we discovered that the man had indeed slipped £10 into one of the girl’s underwear, however it was all in 20 pence pieces, sealed in a bank-issued moneybag.  The girl threw the money back at the man, causing facial lacerations and the fight ensued from there.  Afterwards, she spoke to reporters:

“I can’t believe Jimmy would do something so stupid.  Did he think he were feedin’ the meter?” 

*anything       ^making

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