Pennyriver Dispatch – August 2018 – Lightning Strikes Three

satirical humour spennyriverSpennyriver is a small town deep in the heart of the Midlands, UK. The Spennyriver Dispatch is the local paper bringing you all the local news, keeping you up to date with all the happenings in this strange town.

It’s like a regular town with regular people. Just weirder.

Three men are recovering in the Spennyriver General Hospital today, after being struck by lightning during yesterday’s storm.  The three men, named as Bill Tinkle, Jim Morrisdance, and Ted Cardigan, all in their late forties, were discovered on King Henry VIII Park yesterday afternoon, by local man Alf Trotter, who was out walking his rabbits.  Alf had this to say:

“I was taking the girls out for their usual afternoon potter, when blow me down, if it di’n’t start raining cats n dogs.  Now, I had me anorak on, but Flopsy and Tipsy weren’t geared up fer rain, so we took the sensible option and sheltered under the nearest tree, to keep dry, like.

“That were when we saw them blokes gettin’ outta their cars an’ running into the middle of the field, like a bunch of muppets.  Two of ‘em already had their shirts off and were laughing.  The third pulled out one of them stick things, with his camera on the end.  A shellfish-stick?  Well, they had their arms around each other, and this one guy’s gone and pointed the stick up in the air, and that’s when the lightning hit ‘em.  One minute they was laughing and dancin’, and the next they was burnin’ and smokin’.”

Mr Trotter made his way to a phone box and called an ambulance, and ninety minutes later the men were transported to hospital.  Mrs Ivy Tinkle, wife to Bill, made this announcement later from the hospital:

“The men are all stable.  Bill is missing both eyebrows, but he is stable.  It were a right shock when I got the call from the hospital, cos I had just fallen asleep.  When they told me of Bill’s condition, I immediately finished watching Jeremy Kyle and made my way to the hospital.  I asked the taxi to make a quick stop at the chip shop, for cod and chips, which I ate in the taxi, to save time.  When I arrived, they took me up to see him.  I thought he looked rough, *noratall like the man I married, but then a nurse told me I was talking to the wrong man.  Once I found Bill, I held his hand and talked to him for at least twenty minutes before I had to get back home to watch Big Brother.”

We hope to hear from the men when they have their jaws opened, which occurred when their fillings melted.

*not at all

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