Spennyriver Dispatch – March 22nd Edition

Road chaos as snow brings traffic to a halt

satirical humour spennyriverTraffic in and around the town centre ground to a halt yesterday following several days of heavy snow. Temperatures plunged to as much as -2 degrees, and three inches of snow left traffic bumper to bumper throughout the town, forming tailbacks over two miles long, leaving drivers trapped in their cars overnight.

One such driver was Floella Arnold, who we came across tucked up in her Mark II Ford Escort with her two small children. Floella rolled her window down a crack to talk to our reporter. We started by asking how long she had been there:

“I goreer* about half four yesterday. We’ve bin ‘ere since then.”

We asked if they had been offered any help.

“Well, some bloke gev us a bag o’ chips, but that’s all the three of us uv eaten in the last twenty hours.”

When we pointed out that KFC and Pizza Hut were just across the road, Floella had this to say:

“Li-ul^ Maggie don’t like pizza, and KFC dint av** any chicken. What you gonna do?”

Just a few cars farther along in the queue, we were flagged down by one clearly distressed motorist that wanted our help:

“I need to gerra message to mi mum. It’s urgent!”

The man in question, Martin Pole, had also been stuck in his car for almost twenty hours. We were worried that his mum could be at risk in the cold, but fortunately this was not the case:

“They doin’ a lie detector test on Jeremy Kyle this afternoon, and I need her to record it for me.”

We asked if he had far to travel:

“Not really. I’m just around the corner. It’s about a five minute walk, if that.”

We asked Councillor Chappers about the relief efforts.

“We’re trying to get a Gregg’s pasty to everyone stuck here today, and as the shop is just over the  road that should be simple enough.”

What about keeping the roads clear in the future?

“Well that’s our top priority right now, and we have our top people on it. Mavis and Harriet from our office have nipped out to Aldi for several bags of table salt, which we will be spreading shortly.

Any advice for local people?

“Check on loved ones. If someone hasn’t come home in a day or so, just check the end of your street. There’s a good chance they could be trapped there.”

We will keep you updated with all the breaking weather news in your area in the coming days. If you have any concerns, you can call our emergency number 111-ITS-COLD.

*Got here


**Didn’t have

Spennyriver is a small town deep in the heart of the Midlands, UK. The Spennyriver Dispatch is the local paper bringing you all the local news, keeping you up to date with all the happenings in this strange town.

It’s like a regular town with regular people. Just weirder.

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