Spennyriver Dispatch – March 15th Edition

spennyriver signpost2Spennyriver is a fictional small town deep in the heart of the Midlands, UK. The Spennyriver Dispatch is the local newspaper that keeps the locals up to date with all the biggest breaking stories. It’s just like a regular town, with regular people. Just weirder.

Plea for missing woman to call home

Chief Superintendent, Miles Farnsworth, today made an impassioned plea for the missing lady – Ilene Privett – to call home.

Those of you that have been paying attention, will know that Ilene has not been seen since last Wednesday.  Mrs Privett (59, homemaker) was last seen leaving the Pandagate Community Centre after a particularly violent session with the knitting group.  Officers in full riot-gear were called to break up a number of altercations that had broken out amongst the mainly female knitting group.  The women – and one man – were armed with knitting needles, one with a crochet hook.  More details on this disturbance will be made available as and when we have them.

Mrs Privett has attended the group for over forty years, after being introduced as a teenager by her school back when they thought that knitting would be an important part of a woman’s life. What started as a life-skill has continued as a hobby for four decades, but now, sadly, this hobby seems to have turned deadly at the weekly meeting. The group started off in the library, until the district council threatened it with closure, when they moved to the Ostrich and Wombat pub. Unfortunately, bickering over the variety of biscuits available at the pub led the group to move again, to its current home at the Pandagate Community Centre, where they have been for the last four years.

Mrs Privett was last seen walking away from the community centre at around 3pm.  Local busy-body, Jeb Davis, 62, gave his account of her last known moments:  “I saw ‘er cum out the building, an walk ova ther^, towards Coop.  She ‘ad a knitting needle in each ‘and, and she looked proppa miffed.*”

Superintendent Farnsworth was quick to point out that Jeb wore his shirts the wrong way around and probably shouldn’t be trusted as an eye witness.

Anyone in the vicinity of the community centre is asked to call the missing person hotline: 111-IM-LOST with any information.

This missing person appeal is now in its fifth day, and signs point to it going further.  For those of you that are inclined, Big Jim is taking bets on when and how Mrs Privett will be found.  He can be contacted @thepub.

Details on exactly what happened within the centre that led to the trouble are currently sketchy, although it could possibly relate to proposed council cuts. But it could just be the biscuits.


^Over there

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