Plea for missing woman

Plea for missing woman to call home

Chief Superintendent, Miles Farnsworth, today made an impassioned plea for the missing lady – Ilene Privett – to call home.

Those of you that have been paying attention, will know that Ilene has not been seen since last week. Mrs Privett (59, homemaker) was last seen leaving the community centre after a particularly violent session with the knitting circle. Officers in full riot-gear were called to break up a number of altercations that had broken out amongst the mainly female knitting group. The women – and one man – were armed with knitting needles, one with a crochet hook. More details on this disturbance can be found elsewhere in this edition.

Mrs Privett was seen walking away from the community centre at around 3pm. Local busy-body, Jeb Davis, 62, gave his account of her last known moments: “I saw her cum outa the building, an walk ova ther, towards coop. She ‘ad a knitting needle in each ‘and, and she looked proppa miffed.”

Superintendent Farnsworth was quick to point out that Jeb wore his shirts the wrong way around and probably shouldn’t be trusted as an eye witness.

Anyone in the vicinity of the community centre is asked to call the missing person hotline: 111-IM-LOST with any information.

This missing person appeal is now in its fifth day, and signs point to it going further. For those of you that are inclined, Big Jim is taking bets on when and how Mrs Privett will be found. He can be contacted @thepub.

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